Silly Old Me

As I searched in vain through my purse for the keys to my apartment that, at this point, I guess I don’t remember grabbing before I left, I heard her all-too familiar voice, “Nina, you’re such an idiot.” As I check the remaining pockets, just to be safe, she chimes in again “you’re so stupid, how could you do this?”  At this point, I’m sure you’re wondering “who is this evil step-mother of a woman who is talking to you like this, Nina??”  

She’s me. She’s that voice inside my head that runs constantly and who I let run rampant with whatever thoughts and words she wanted until a few years ago.

Back in 2016, I was going through a “quarter-life-crisis” of sorts (or Saturn return, if you follow) and I really began the process of soul-searching.  I started seeing a therapist (not because of any major trauma, but hey, if I go to the gym and the doctor to take care of my physical self, why not do something for my mental well-being too?), I started reading more self-help books and listening to wellness and empowerment podcasts.  With all this pondering and wandering, I was really searching for my greater life’s purpose and what I really wanted to pursue as a career, but what I found was so much more. 

I began hearing experts like Brene Brown talk about mindfulness around the way we talk to ourselves.  I hadn’t even really thought of my inner voice as “talking to myself” until this point, but that’s exactly what she was doing and she was not a very nice little voice.  I began journaling and thinking about the way I talk to myself and the way I see myself.  I realized that I do indeed love myself (lots of happy tears upon this discovery), so why do I talk to myself that way, especially when no one else in my life talks to me like that??

 I was shook.

I remember the first time I caught myself thinking “you’re so stupid, Nina” and I didn’t just let it pass. I remember actively revising that thought; it was as if there was another voice in my head – a much more magnanimous, kind voice that said “no, you’re not stupid, you just did a stupid thing”. And that distance was the beginning of the end for that nasty little Nina in my head.  As this practice took hold, I noticed I eventually stopped using such harsh language with myself altogether.  It became “that was a silly thing to do”. Silly: much kinder and much more forgiving of myself than Idiot or Stupid.  Silly: said as if from a loved one who sees your imperfections and mistakes and loves you no matter what.

Great side-effect of this newfound sense of awareness--  You know those rabbit holes of negativity that you can find yourself in after you feel guilty or embarrassed? You know, the ones where you start by thinking how you wish you didn’t say that ridiculous thing in that meeting with your boss just now and somehow end up smacking yourself over that one time in middle school where you messed up your line in the school play? Yeah, those started to happen less and less too.

This isn’t to say I’m Buddha incarnate or perfect by any means.  And of course, I still kick myself over some of the mistakes I make.  But it’s a journey that’s been really meaningful for me and I am grateful that I am on this journey with silly old Me.

There are so many resources and tools that I used on my journey of self-discovery. I’ve listed them here below in case they can help you too!

The Artist’s Way

This book is an incredible tool to shake up your current patterns and beliefs about yourself. From the daily journaling to the weekly exercises, I highly recommend checking this out. In fact, I still do my morning journaling every day — even years after first reading this book!

Literally anything by Brené Brown

I find her research inspirational and perspective-shifting. I have gotten so many great ways to name emotions from her and the way she shares her vulnerability is courageous. I love Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection. I also love her Netflix special and her new podcast, Unblocking Us with Brené Brown.

Meditation

I started with the Headspace app just doing five-minute meditations because that’s all that I could handle before getting anxious. I have to admit, I’m no longer as diligent with my mediation as I once was, but I definitely notice a difference when I do meditate. Mostly I notice that it feels like the seconds get longer between something happening and my responding to it — like I have more time to process and act in response how I want, instead of just responding off the cuff. Very useful!

E-Squared by Pam Grout

This book. This book really gave me my gratitude practice, which I cherish so much to this day. It’s a 30-day guide and I cannot even begin to describe how much this book helped shift my perspective. I tend to call out way more in my life that I am grateful for now, and truly genuinely mean it. After finishing this book over a year ago, I can honestly say there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t at least once think of something I’m grateful for. I find this skill particularly useful when something happens that would normally make me mad or anxious or sad: I am (sometimes) able to reframe the issue and find something to be grateful for about the situation. Truly a game changer.

Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations

I meannnn talk about a vessel for self-growth! I have listened to so many perspective-shifting and though-provoking conversations on this podcast.